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August 30 J-BotThis post is dedicated to J-Bot. One of my best work friends, we bug the hell out of each other but always have a good time doing it. We've been seriously mad at each other only once in the three years we've known each other, and that was because he threw a plastic deer at me and I told him to grow up ("grow up" has since been banned from our vocabulary). J-Bot is a male version of me, I'm a female version of him--I know that idea is scary to some of you. He always,always makes me laugh. Keeper of secrets, frequent accomplice, maker of weird noises. Honestly one of the most genuine, likeable people I've ever met. He's always got my back, and I've always got his.
J-Bot came in to work yesterday sportin' a fresh pair of steps. Now, J-Bot doesn't come by clothes in the usual way (i.e. purchasing them), so I had to do a little digging. "I got them from soccer", he said. Hmm, sounds suspicious. Turns out some guy left these shoes on the soccer field after a game, so J-Bot appropriated them. He asked around first to make sure he wasn't out and out stealing. Joe, you would love this guy.
Some pics of J-Bot and the new shoes: August 29 UndiscloserAnother day that kicked my a$$, big time. It was ridonculous. I actually said to someone: "Are you anywhere near a map? Okay, good. See where Ontario is? Cool. See where Texas is? Yeah, notice how we're a whole country away? That is why you can't have your farking freight tomorrow. Luckily we're not shipping live organs, so everyone should be okay until Friday"
I should learn to watch my mouth. Pffffft.
I unintentionally hurt someone's feelings today. Contrary to popular belief, I don't go around trying to stomp on people's tender emotions. It happened completely by accident. I thought he was joking, and evidently he wasn't. I always forget that there are tender hearted boys out there. Guess I can spend tomorrow making up for it. I'm sorry, ducks. Really.
The person with the hurt feelings is constantly saying that I'm keeping things from him. Not big, important things, but everyday normal things. It stymies me that he thinks that; the things that I don't tell him are not shared because I think they'd be boring to someone else (though, not so boring I won't share it with y'all!), not worth mentioning. Guess he wants to be bored with the minutiae of my life.
But, maybe I do keep things from people. Last Tuesday I received a pissy call from my sister, asking why I didn't tell her I was on vacation. Apparently she called my work looking for me, was told I was on vacation and said "No she isn't. Get her on the phone" and felt stoopid when she realized I wasn't there. Now, I know I told her I was off last week, she just doesn't listen, but I received a few calls like that early last week. Maybe I'm a 'undiscloser' and didn't know it? Maybe I didn't disclose to myself that I'm an undiscloser? That'd be just like me.
FionaMy step-mother's sister in law has a voice that could wake the dead and looks like this:
 I'm not saying it's a bad thing, I'm just saying she really looks like Fiona from Shrek. I failedVery Scientific Stress TestPlease note the following findings regarding recent stress studies.
August 28 Such is lifeFirst day back at work after a week off---it sucked. Sometimes, it's not worth going away, because then you come back and have to face all the shit that didn't get done while you were gone. About 45 minutes into the morning, I was already tensing up and didn't feel like I'd ever been gone.
Ahh. Such is life, I suppose.
But, I did get to talk to some of my favorite people today, that made things a little easier.
Right now I'm being bad and not making a call that I should be making. Talking on the phone is over-rated anyway, right? Is that word supposed to be hyphenated? As if I care at the moment.
R told me a funny story about falling out of his bathtub. Seems he was soapin' up his feet, slipped, skidded across the floor on his back, narrowly missed hitting his head on the vanity, and cracked his shoulder on the toilet.
Oh come on, that's funny! What did Tuckle do? Started all out laughing, before asking if he was okay (of course he was okay, he was alive to tell the tale, wasn't he?). I can just picture him, schoonering out of the tub...mwhahaha! I told him to get one of those old people anti-slip tub mats, which apparently wasn't a very supportive thing to say. Such is life with Tuckle, I suppose.
August 27 EvidenceI think about distance
when you're sitting
right in front of me
light years away
in a galaxy
where i don't even
exist yet
maybe i'm not
here now
the crumpled
napkin the only
evidence On the other footIf I could take
the words back
stuff every last
syllable into
my mouth--
I wouldn't.
You deserved to hear them
even though
they hurt.
Remember,
you said them to
me once...
WWTD? Part DeuxWelcome to the second edition of WWTD. Today, inspired by Darklight and Jym's references to church, and given that it is Sunday, I will relay the story of my Uncle Don's funeral.
Uncle Don was a funny guy; shake his dentures at you, give you a slap on the shoulder and say "Get Ol' Uncle Don a beer, wouldya?" even if you were only 4 and would probably drop the beer kind of funny.
Anyway, Uncle Don died.
A priest who had never met Uncle Don officiated at the funeral. Aunt Mae (Don's wife), bless her, was very upset that their regular priest was unavailable. So, unknown preacher-man is blathering on about ashes to ashes and going to Jeebus and all that, when he starts talking about what a good father Uncle Don was, and he can tell by the children and grandchildren assembled that Uncle Don was a fantastic leader of his family.
Hold on a hot damn minute.
Uncle Don and Aunt Mae weren't able to have kids. Didn't this jerkoff of a priest do any homework?
There were a few audible gasps in the church the more this yahoo went on about Uncle Don being an example of the perfect patriarch. People were exchanging glances and muttering to each other.
I was seated in the second pew, center, directly in front of the priest.
Now, you have to ask yourself, WWTD?
She covertly gave the priest the finger. Not so covertly that he didn't see it, because he did, but covertly enough so no one else noticed.
The church part over, the congregation moved the graveyard. There were a lot of people there, and I was towards the back of the group (so I wouldn't give into the urge to push the priest into the grave). Another priest came and stood beside me, I guess just to watch the proceedings or something. This priest was rocking back and forth on his heels and jingling change in his pocket. This was annoying as all hell, but more than that, REALLY disrespectful.
WWTD?
I leaned over to the Father and whispered "With all due respect sir, if you keep jingling that change in your pocket, I'm going to make you eat it".
He stopped.
And, I'm going to hell. As if I wasn't before that incident. August 26 The Big Catch(es)How funny is it that two of my favorite people both sent me pictures of themselves, and they both share the initials JK? C'mon, that's really funny!
Lookit the little fishies, and the cute JKs :) Come Monday Jimmy Buffett on the stereo
cookies in the oven
a message from Chicago saying
come Monday
it'll be alright
wanting to go
and have boat drinks
the timer goes
and i am still here
August 24 Ben Harper, why you so hawt?   This man is the sex. I'm such a sucka for a boy with a guitar and a purty voice.
"How I am strong is to know what makes me weak." -Ben Harper
I loves your cover of "Sexual Healing", Ben. Let's get down tonight. WWTD?Welcome to the premier installment of a new segment titled WWTD?, or What Would Tuckle Do? I know, you're thinking 'Tuckle, didn't you steal this idea from the Jeebus lovers?' The answer is No way, Jose. WWJD (What Would Jeebus Do?) fashioned itself after Tuckle.
I'm hoping to have WWTD merchandise (bracelets, t-shirts, belt buckles as big as dinner plates) available soon. Place your orders early, this stuff won't last long!
Anyway, on to the show.
This morning, Tuckle ran into an acquaintance. "Hi, how are you?" said Tuckle.
"Fine, thanks" said the acquaintance, who then proceeded to talk about herself.
"I'm fine too, thanks for asking", said Tuckle, who then proceeded to walk away.
Do you see what happened here, people? The acquaintance was rather impolite by not inquiring about Tuckle's well being, so Tuckle gently reminded her. Next time someone fails to follow the rules of social graces, ask yourself: WWTD?
A few years ago at Tuckle's last place of employment, Tuckle was reviewing some paperwork with her manager. Tuckle was sitting at her desk, the manager was standing behind her. The manager reached over Tuckle to turn over a paper, and inadvertently touched Tuckle's chesticular area. I know, you're probably thinking that you'd probably be a bit embarrassed, but would politely ignore the situation in order to spare both of you further embarrassment. What you're not asking yourself, gentle reader, is WWTD?
What Tuckle did was say (not exactly quietly) "Dude, you just totally touched my boob!", causing the manager to turn bright red and quickly walk away. This story has a happy ending, because Tuckle didn't have to complete the paperwork the manager had been reviewing.
That concludes our first installment of WWTD. Stay tuned! Happy Thursday from....Jon and Ponch!
 Have a good day, kids! And remember, stay on the right side of the law. Or else.
August 23 Lookit!Look what R brought me today!It's a floating eyeball. You can sooo bet I'm gonna use that in the office a lot. So what if I'm gonna be 32 in a couple of days...doesn't mean I have to grow up.
August 22 Where my money went...As I've mentioned, just about everyone I know is calfing, and the birth dates are imminent. Today I went out and spent about $400 on baby gifts (Slappy, I'm thinking you got a better deal on your muffler).
Here's what I bought:
Two of these (baby not included {thank u jeebus})
 Two of these (it's a diaper bag backpack)
 One of these
 One of these (it's an activity center that you use in the car)
 One of these things (keeps baby warm in car seat.Again, baby not included)
 Would you believe this set was almost $40? Last I heard, breastfeeding was free.
 So there you go, that's where all my damn money went. And now I have to go to the baby showers (vomit). Good Morning from....Hulk Hogan in a Speedo!!! Wow, doesn't he look like....raw meat? Kinda looks like he's wearin' a diaper...or some sort of absorbent pad in his Speedo.
 August 21 Undertakers are corruptA messenger conversation between me and my sister. Vitamin A=sister Vitamin M=me.
Vitamin A says: here's a true story, no lie..Alex's dad passed away about 10 years ago. Yesterday her mom gets a call from the morgue to say we found your husband, he will buried on tuesday... Vitamin A says: so the mom was like what the FUCK, he died ten years ago Vitamin M says: whoa...what?? Vitamin A says: ANYWAY...turns out, that the fucking morgue left him sitting in a frozen thing for TEN YEARS..they forgot about him Vitamin M says: shut the fuck up Vitamin M says: who did they bury??? Vitamin A says: SOOO, they had to dig up his grave to find out who the fuck they did bury but thankfully the fucking casket was EMPTY Vitamin M says: mutha focker Vitamin A says: can you fucking believe that?? so alex is going to her dad's funeral tomorrow, even tho he passed away ten years ago Vitamin A says: that is some crazy fucking shit Vitamin M says: do i smell a lawsuit? Vitamin M says: that is absurd Vitamin A says: umm, thats what i was thinking, but I didn't say that to alex Vitamin M says: holy crap, poor alex's family....having gone thru that already, and having to live thru it again Vitamin M says: this is why i didn't become an undertaker; the industry is corrupt Vitamin A says: i know...alex said her mom was pretty worked up about it at first, but now she's kind of laughing about it...alex thinks her mom just doesn't know what to think of it all. Vitamin A says: i'm ignoring your undertaker comment. Vitamin M says: i'm sure....i wouldn't know what to think about it all, but i bet i'd be pissed. you know how i have a hair trigger temper Vitamin M says: DO NOT IGNORE MY UNDERTAKER COMMENT Vitamin A says: i will do whatever the fuck i want. and you don't have a hair trigger temper cuz you got not hair. Vitamin M says: it's an expression, and thanks a fucking lot for reminding me that i have no hair Vitamin M says: did you see me collecting animal hair at the sanctuary on saturday? i'm making a tiger wig Vitamin A says: well, i just signed on to tell you that story cuz you had no interest in hearing my beautiful voice on the phone...so now i am going to sit on the front stoop (like on seasme street) think about eating my chocolate bar and wait for prison break to start Vitamin A says: a tiger wig? you're a spaz Vitamin M says: prison break is for idiots Vitamin A says: you're an idiot, so i'm sure you'll be tuning the fuck in Vitamin M says: ya, a tiger wig...didn't you see how those cats wanted to maim me? Vitamin A says: later ass hat. Vitamin M says: see you later fuckballs Vitamin A says: those cats wanted to beat the shit out of you, but they wouldn't eat you, cuz quite frankly they know how gross you are. i told them. Vitamin M says: if your house gets egged tonight, it wasn't me Vitamin A says: okay jizz head, i'm fucking signing off now. egg me, not the house. Vitamin M says: i didn't say eat me, you ditch pig...they wanted to KILL me Vitamin A says: go suck a roostser. Vitamin M says: fuck off, fucker Vitamin A says: aha i wonder what that is?! Vitamin M says: some crazy hybrid animal Vitamin A says: a roooos-t-er-ser Vitamin A says: bye bones. Vitamin M says: later gonad breath Bear CreekSlutty and I went to Bear Creek Animal Sanctuary on Saturday. We took a guided tour, which lasted about an hour and a half, and it was pretty interesting. You're able to get much closer to the animals than you would at a zoo. The only drawback is they don't allow you to take pictures, damn it all. I wanted to get a pic of Slutty with her head in a tiger's mouth.
All of the animals at the sanctuary are rescued. They all looked healthy and it was obvious they enjoy the interaction with the sanctuary staff. One creepy thing, tho; there were two couples with infants in our group, and every big cat in that place was eyein' those babies like they were chicken McNuggets. It was a bit spooky.
The sanctuary is home to (alledgedly) the only two jaglions in the world. Check them out:
They were pretty darn cute. They also had two 6 week old tiger cubs there, and a lion cub. Slutty and I thought about smuggling one out, but thought better of it when we found out they have to be fed every two hours. Too much committment for us.
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