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May 30 PeenMaybe it's the heat, or nickel rash or.....well, I don't know what it is, but this is the funniest thing I've seen today.
All credit to Mr. M. May 29 FO&DBlargh. Another Monday.
Today was tres boring at work. Most of our business is US based, and with today being Memorial Day, there just wasn't much happening. I did get settled into my new work station, which I hate, but not much choice in the matter. It does mean I get to bug Trevor lots, though, which is a bonus. I brought my pinata stick to my new desk, and threatened him with it a number of times. I think he liked that.
The weeked was fantastic, and I have the bug bites to prove it. I also have a weird rash on my arm, which may or may not be eggs a spider layed under my flesh (omg, how cool would that be?! I hope I can shoot webs from my wrists soon) or maybe I got the rash from some nickels. I know for certain that it's not syphilis (Mr M, I used protection while reading your blog).
I got a random email today that said Alfred Hitchcock had no belly button. Huh. How is that possible? I'm not doctor (just a few credits shy of my Ph.D.), but even I know that doesn't sound right.
I wish the humidity would FO&D. I'm tired of it already! Go back to Hell from whence you came, air you have to drink! Yer making my hair fuzzy.
Nick tells me he hasn't worn underwear in approximately 20 years. Anyone else gone skivvy-less for any length of time?
Below is a pic of my cousin Tannor. He doesn't wear skivvies yet.....but Nick, I'm sure you'll soon be in diapers! Oh c'mon, that was funny! May 28 Scary VegetableThis vegetable (white asparagus) scares the bejeebus out of me. It looks like aborted asparagus.....EW.
 May 26 Breaking NewsOkay, let's start out by establishing that today was a shit day. I may or may not have had more than 6 drinks at this point. One thing's for sure-- MB, I talked your ear off tonight. Sorry about that, and thanks!
Another inalienable fact is that MK should go fuck his hat. I feel bad for the hat.
In case J or Chewie is reading this, I am not drinking rye and going indian. Sorry to disappoint. I am drinking fuzzy stuff because I know it won't make me puke like a high school kid. Did I mention MK should fuck his hat? Hmm, well he should.
Um, in other world news, K-Mart was telling me about his plan to compile his top 50 favorite songs (with strict criteria) so now Trevor and I are doing it too.
Also, I am glad to report that Kenny G is quick on the rebound and got a new pooch named Sam. Sam is a soft haired Fox Terrier, and Kenny G rescued him from being killed by lethal injection or some shizz. I guess Sam was a convicted felon in the state of Texas for being a panty thief and Dubbya was going to kill him, but Kenny G saved the day. I hate Dubbya so much. Go back to the zoo, monkey-man. Anyways, Kenny G and Sam seem pretty happy together. Not in an unnatural way or anything, stop being gross.
I would like to take this opportunity to say MK should fuck his hat. Poor, poor hat.
Wiener dogs are cool.
Oh crap.
MB went to the "ballet" last night and said it was gross. He may have just been saying that. He also got chased by a goose today, but I think that was a legitimate statement. Maybe get Johnnie Cochrane to verify. Unless he's dead. I think he might be.
I don't like tent caterpillars.
May 24 In Your FaceIt has recently come to my attention that I am mean and nasty.
Now, I don't believe that to be true, entirely. The nasty part, especially, I believe to be a gross exaggeration.
Let's take a look at what "mean" means, shall we? It's pretty much the opposite of nice. When I think "nice", I think of someone who is a pushover, shows little resistance, put others ahead of themselves, and has no back bone. Of course I realize that nice can be someone who is thoughtful,considerate, caring---I think I can be all of those things. But I think the intent of the person who said I was mean was to imply that I am more of the former description than the latter (and, truth be told, they have no idea if I am the latter or not).
Now, if I was by definition a "nice" person, being called mean might upset me. Luckily, I'm not nice, and therefore this hasn't fizzed on me.
Because I am mean, I rarely take the path of least resistance. I do my best not to be intimidated by other, meaner people. I stand up for myself. I give as good as I get, or better. Push me and I'll push you back. Being "mean" is empowering. I'm not going to be the "nice" girl who does what she's told, no "yes, sir" from me. No sir.
As for the nasty part--in your face about that, G. How's that for mean?
 In other news, I need to say Peace the Spork out to Kenny G's chihuahua, Rocky, who died of old age today. Rocky, even though you snarled at me every time I saw you (this is NOT evidence of my nastiness), and I'm pretty sure you peed in my cubicle that time, you'll be missed. I hope there are lots of legs to hump in doggie heaven.
May 22 Luchador!Is it wrong that I think Jack Black is hot? Especially when he's wearing tights and a Luchador mask. Maybe I should take everyone's advice and seek therapy...nah, it's more fun this way.
I saw two blue herons on my way to work. Flying together, looking like they had important business to attend to. Does anyone know if they often travel in pairs? Are they like geese, who mate for life? I suppose I could look up this info myself, but I don't want to. Blue herons make it easy for me to believe in evolution, looking as pterodactyl-like as they do. Incidentally, Niagara Falls makes it easy for me to believe in dinosaurs. Nothing makes it easy for me to believe it's okay to nearly crap yourself in public (JS, I'm talking to you).
Some important notes:
That's it! Peas out.
May 21 How Tuckle Blew the BudgetHow Tuckle Blew the Budget
Sometimes, being single is great. My money is mine, to spend as I see fit. No dependents, other than a cat. So as long as the bills are paid, it's all good.
Things I spent money on this weekend:
Actually, this list isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I should deduct from it the things I WANTED to buy, but didn't. Such as:
So, if I deduct the things I DID buy from the things I WANTED to buy, I actually only spent $60. Huzzah! How frugal am I?? I should give myself some sort of reward, huh? Suggestions? May 19 Open letter to Daniel PowterDaniel Powter, why are you wearing a hat in every one of your videos?
It makes me think you have that disease where you don't have a head above your eyebrows (which would mean you are dead, because that disease is fatal and can't be survived past birth. Ooh, maybe you're a zombie! That'd be cool).
Bald men can be sexy, Daniel. See photo # 2.
Embrace your baldness, Zombie Boy! And quit singing in that falsetto, it's disturbing when a man's voice is higher than a woman's.
May 18 Cat BarfIf a cat is going to barf, why does it always have to be on a bed? Why does it always have to be on MY bed? I wouldn't mind if she wanted to chuck on the floor once in awhile instead of au lit. What a jerk.
My sister and I work really hard at fast paced, intense jobs. Take a look:
-----Original Message-----
> From: Sista > Sent: Thursday, May 18, 2006 7:34 AM > > Good morning from the bear I found in my backyard lastnight (insert picture of a bear)
From: Tuckle 5/18/2006 7:56 AM >>>
> Wow. That's quite the bear. How do you think it got in your back yard? -----Original Message----- > From: Sista > Sent: Thursday, May 18, 2006 7:59 AM > > > The bear escaped from the Elmvale zoo. He remembered me from when you and I > went there and looked me up in the phonebook. when he arrived I made him > some tuna and let him play with LuLu. Tuckle 5/18/2006 8:02 AM >>> > > Funny, I don't remember seeing a bear at the Elmvale zoo. And I had no idea > that bears can read. Huh. Learn something new every day. -----Original Message-----
> From: Sista > Sent: Thursday, May 18, 2006 8:05 AM > > you didn't pay attention to the bear, he was talking about that lastnight, > you were too busy looking at the stupid beavers. honestly, who cares about > beavers? anyway, thats why the bear is on my team and he told me to let you > know you better watch your back. Grrrrrrrrrrrr! >>>> Tuckle 5/18/2006 8:07 AM >>> > > I don't remember any beavers. Oh no, don't tell me that my amnesia has come > back in full force! That would suck. I remember getting attacked by the > tiger at the zoo, but that's it. > I'm not scared of the bear. I have an elephant gun. -----Original Message-----
> From: Sista > Sent: Thursday, May 18, 2006 8:10 AM > You didn't get attacked by the tiger, that was your paranoia kicking in. > and you do not have an elephant gun. also you don't like sloppy joes and you > do ride the short bus Tuckle 5/18/2006 8:16 AM >>>
> > What are you talking about, paranoia? I'm not paranoid. Maybe a little > delusional, but not paranoid. > > I do so have an elephant shaped gun. It shoots bubbles. > > So what, I ride public transit. What's the big deal? > -----Original Message----- > From: Sista > Sent: Thursday, May 18, 2006 8:21 AM
> I have a man on his way to pick you up. If he tries to put a white jacket on > you with lots of arms please don't struggle, just relax and let him do it. >> Tuckle 5/18/2006 8:22 AM >>>
> > Does the jacket have lots of arms because I'm an octopus? > *squirts ink* -----Original Message----- > From: Sista > Sent: Thursday, May 18, 2006 8:25 AM > > yes, that is why. so just work with the guy. and also, he's going to put > some duct tape across your mouth, let him do that to Yep, we think we're hilarious. Because we are.
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Today was a pretty good day, even though it started out with the cat yakking on my bed. Spoke to some of my favorite people on the phone, including the usual suspects and a few people I hadn't heard from in awhile. Didn't hate my job TOO much. Laughed a lot. Got carried away a bit---didn't realize there was a customer touring our facility, and was midway thru the 'My Little Pony' theme song before someone told me to shut up.
Before I forget--yesterday's picture post was NOT of boobs, as some people are thinking. The photographer's intent was to focus on the necklace, not the hoots (which couldn't be seen in the picture anyway, you hoser).
K--focus long enough to call me this weekend, you tard. I miss u.
May 17 Wear it like an iron skinLooks like this is a week of introspection and self-examination (get your mind out of the gutter)---if you're bored, go look at porn or something
 A few years ago, my Aunt told me about a friend of hers who was psychic. I haven't had much experience with anyone who is psychic, and not that I didn't believe my Aunt, but I wasn't sure I believed in psychic abilities. I was open minded about it.
When I met my Aunt's friend, we were having a pleasant enough conversation when he asked me a question about a profound personal experience that I hadn't shared with anyone. I hadn't told a soul about this experience, yet he asked me a very direct question about it (and just in case you're doubting, there was no room for doubt---I mean, the question wasn't open to interpretation, it was spot on). I was floored, to say the least. I wasn't even aware that I had been thinking about it (in case he was reading my thoughts or something) at the time. I was embarrassed and surprised and just laughed off his question without answering it.
Awhile later, he and I went on a coffee run. He was driving, never taking his eyes off the road, and asked me the question again. I answered as best I could, and tried not to cry---I'm not sure why it made me emotional, as the experience was a positive (if mystifying) one, but I could barely keep myself together. He changed the topic for a few minutes, being merciful to me I guess, then asked why I felt so underserving.
I was agog. I don't know that I had realized or recognized that about myself before. I knew it was true, though. I would rather give than receive--and I'm not just saying that. I truly would rather be the giver than the receiver (it's important to note that "giving" doesn't always involve material things). For the longest time I was uncomfortable opening gifts in front of people--isn't that the most asinine thing?? Seriously, I'd *hate* opening a present in front of someone. I know now that by not allowing myself to receive, I am taking away from the other person's experience of giving. And I'm totally over the gift thing, so bring them on!
I'm not sure where the whole feeling of being undeserving came from--my parents were both very supportive and encouraged my sister and I in every aspect. I think one of the best things our Dad ever did for us was to not treat us like "just girls". Maybe it came from being a girl--the whole self-esteem issue which comes at you from all sides and finds chinks in your armour no matter what.
So, even though I'm aware of it, and know I shouldn't feel that way, I still do. I have a hard time asking for things, especially help or support. Once, with someone I was very close with, I asked "Why won't you help me?"...he knew how difficult it was for me to ask. His answer was "You know you can do this yourself. If I help you, you'll resent me". I'm not sure if that's true or not. Probably. I never got the chance to find out.
May 16 Under ConstructionYou got a heart so big
It could crush this town And I can't hold out forever Even walls fall down All around your island There's a barricade That keeps out the danger That holds in the pain Sometimes you're happy Sometimes you cry Half of me is ocean Half of me is sky I lifted that from a Tom Petty song, "Walls". It's appropriate for what I'm about to talk about.
G:
I don't know that I have "so many" walls, really. Maybe just one big one, with barbed wire at the top, and a crocodile filled moat around it.
 However elaborate the wall is, it took a long time to build and there wasn't one specific incident that created it.
It's not even a really special or unique wall. It's comprised mostly of disappointment, hurt, fear, loneliness, ignorance,insecurity and probably some more fear. If the wall had a name, it would be An Attempt At Self Preservation.
The purpose of any wall is to contain something within, or to protect what is within. My wall serves both purposes. Sometimes it can be scary to let someone/thing "in"...fear of the unknown, but moreso the fear that once they're in, they won't like what they find--which just proves why the wall was put up in the first place.
That said, the constitution of the wall is everchanging. Some parts are weaker than others,some parts can easily be scaled. Some parts aren't necessary any more, but have been left up out of habit.
I'm sure you have walls too, but maybe you've grown ivy around them and they aren't easily spotted. I wouldn't consider my wall to be right out in the open...I think I'm I'm an honest, open person--to a point, obviously, or there would be no discussion here.
I am aware that the wall is inhibitive, and restricts me from moving in a positive direction--to some degree--I would hope I'm smart enough to not let it box me in on all levels.
It is difficult to unlearn the lessons that made the wall necessary in the first place. I am working on it. That's all I can do.
M May 15 Highly Interpretive
May 10 StanksAhh, another day of great weather. I wanted to play hooky so badly today! Too bad I was already at work when I realized I should have played hooky. I even had a willing sidekick and everything. Being a responsible adult stanks sometimes--I felt duty bound to stay the day at work. Next nice day that comes along, I will have a mysterious case of the 24 hour flu.
I saw a turkey hawk on the way home today--if you haven't seen one, they're HUGE. Block out the sun huge. It would have been cool if I had seen the turkey hawk pick up an actual turkey in it's talons, because there are lots of wild turkeys in the area, but alas, no luck. I didn't have my camera with me anyway, so no real loss.
A guy named Willie called me a dick today, in a joking way. But, come on--he's a grown man who calls himself Willie.....basically every time I say his name, I'm calling him a dick too. So, I didn't feel bad about it at all.
Lots of work shizz going on...not quite sure what I'm going to do about it, or how I feel. *sigh* being a responsible adult stanks to the nth degree sometimes.
Quote of the day:
Learn to pause...or nothing worthwhile will catch up to you.
Can you dig it? I dig it.
May 09 Mad about RhubarbA conversation between my sister and me, discussing the fact that our Dad isn't growing rhubarb this year (even though he said he would):
Sister: Can you believe JB {that's what we call our Dad} isn't growing rhubarb??
Me: I am outraged! (shakes fist at sky {even though this conversation is taking place over the phone})
Sister: What an a-hole.
Me: Go into his office (sister and Dad work together) right now and shout "A-hole!", then start knocking stuff off his desk and stuff!!
Sister: *maniacal laughter* ahaha, I'll bust thru the door and start yelling
Me: Get a parasail or a hanglider and swoop down into the office (bust up laughing) then yell "A-hole, you promised rhubarb" and then start throwing crap around. His laptop and everything.
Sister: ahaha! Why don't I just wear my cape?
Me: Oh ya, I forgot you have a cape.
Sister: That would be even better, because then I would be invisible.
Me: Right, good thinking. Then, if there are people in JB's office having a meeting around the table, start playing "duck, duck, goose"
>>>maniacal laughter from both of us<<<
Me: When you get to "goose", punch the person in the face!
Sister: Hahah! I was just going to say that!
<<hysterical laughter from both of us>>
Me: Seriously, I'm pissed about the rhubarb.
Sister: I'm gonna wear my cape and punch people in the face.
***********************************
The above is an actual conversation, probably recorded by the FBI because I'm certain my phone line at work is tapped. Why would the FBI be listening in on what I have to say? Read the above again--hello, my sister has a cloak of invisibility (which she refers to as a "cape") and I come up with brilliant plans. The FBI needs us.
May 08 My Grandma is a Nun, and other lies I've toldThis should be a fun list!
Lies I've told:
-I told someone just tonight that my Grandma is a nun. How would I be here if my Grandma was a nun?!
-When I was 11 or 12, I told Jennifer Davenport that during her upcoming surgery to have her tonsils removed, the doctor would remove her tonsils thru her nose (I was studying Egyptology at the time). She was terrified.
-hmm, that's all I can think of at the moment. Does anyone else have any humorous lies they've told?
*this doesn't mean I'm an overly truthful person, by only having two examples of lies. It just means I have a bad memory.
May 06 Free bookYesterday's Cinco de Mayo Fiesta was a resounding success. I've added some pictures of the festivities (Rock on Trevor even dressed up!) so y'all can have a look. Everyone participated...great food, salsa music, even some contraband Tequila Rose. Coulda used a siesta afterwards, tho. The Mexican people were on the right track when they implemented siestas. We should follow suit.
Last night I took my cousin Ben to see Lord of the Rings at the Princess of Wales Theater. We had fantastic seats, which always makes an event more enjoyable. The show was pretty amazing---imagine bringing a book (books, really)/film to the stage--the sets were incredible. The show was too long,tho--3.5 hours. That's too long to watch anything. I think we all felt paralyzed by the end of it, from not moving for so long (there were two intermissions, the first one 15 mins, the second 3 mins, but it was little relief). I bought Ben a $48 Black Rider t-shirt.....$48!!! Ridonculous.
If you're contemplating buying/reading this book:
 Don't. I'll give it to you. I'm struggling thru the last 100 pages now (and it's not even a large book), and I'm not liking it so much. I really enjoyed this author's previous book....but this one isn't doing anything for me. A woman who falls in love with a monk....you know, I have a good imagination, and I'll believe the implausible for the sake of a good storyline...but the author has written the protagonist in such a way that I don't care what happens to her. I don't give a crap whether she ends up with the monk or not. Sue Monk Kidd, if you're reading this, I'd like my money back.
Alright, I should go accomplish something.
May 04 Ole!The weather this week has been fantastic. I wish we could just hit "pause" and have this weather all the time.
Tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo--the day celebrating Mexico's defeat over the French in the Battle of Puebla in 1862--and I've organized a potluck lunch fiesta. A co-worker and I went out the other day and bought a pinata, shaped like our boss (it's a donkey!) and stuffed it full of candy. I'm currently baking a flan, and I'm making sangria (non-alcoholic, because of all the preggos). Everyone is contributing something--just something to break up the monotony at work. Ole!
 P.S. Hi Nick!
May 03 Speaking of dicks...Today was a marginally better day. I wasn't quite so homicidal. Hey, Rome wasn't built in a day, right?
I spoke to two people with interesting last names today: Rita Tormento (doesn't that sound like a super villain's name? Dr. Tormento strikes again!) and Debbie Boedicker. Boedicker! Yes, I'm that immature. I wonder if she tries to pronounce her name in a fancy way so it doesn't sound quite so dickular? Like, BoEDicker? Alas, I didn't have the chance to ask her--our correspondence was via email.
Speaking of dicks, I've asked Keeter if he'd like to come up here to see Ben Harper in concert in September. His response, which isn't entirely appropriate to repeat here, left me wondering. It's very difficult to get a straight answer out of that guy. Does anyone else have a friend like that? Someone you love to spend time with, but who is hard to pin down, so to speak? Comments appreciated. Personally, I find it to be a pain in the a-double-snakes....but I know I'm probably that sort of friend for people I know. Vicious circle.
I spent about 20 mins trying to figure out how to paste a pdf of a comic my sister drew onto here, but I am not that S-M-R-T.
Too bad, that was some funny shizz!
Take a look at McGyver's great 'do instead. I really hope this style makes a comeback, stat.
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